If collect.assembly Were Dogs...

I had an epiphany this week. Sometimes I struggle to connect with the rest of the band. We’ll finish practice, sit around making small talk, and I suddenly feel like the only person at a party who didn’t get the inside joke.

And for the longest time, I couldn’t figure out why. No, no… it can’t possibly be because I’m autistic and miss a significant portion of the social cues and nuances. Definitely not that. The only logical conclusion is that I am a dog person… and they all hate dogs.

Okay hate is maybe a bit too strong of a word but for the sake of storytelling, let's go with it.

You know that saying, “Never trust someone who doesn’t like dogs”? Yeah, well here I am, trusting these people with my entire creative soul and a shared Dropbox folder. It’s been three years of trying to convince these crazies what they’re missing out on, and at this point, I think I’ve finally accepted my fate as the band's unapologetic token dog lover.

So naturally, the only reasonable thing to do is to compare each of them to the dog breed that most accurately reflects their personalities. I mean, if I can’t convert them, I can at least categorize them. (An exercise us in the tism’ community are famously good at 😉)

Haven't you ever looked at someone and imagined what breed they would be if they were a dog? No? Just me? Thankfully, with the help of AI generated images, I can finally bring my imagination to life.

Joel – The Dutch Shepherd

The Dutch Shepherd is not for the faint of heart. They’re the kind of dog that clocks into work before you’ve even had coffee. I can't count how many times I've received text messages from this man at like 2am and then again at 7am, like does he even sleep?! When Joel walks into a room, he’s quiet, sussing out the scene, reading every detail, calculating before he moves. When he finally speaks, it’s well thought out and purposeful, like he’s already run ten simulations in his head and picked the most efficient outcome. He’s pure go-go-go, no off switch, running on precision and caffeine. The kind of control freak who does the job ten times better than anyone else could even think of doing it, and makes it look like it’s just another Tuesday. Serious. Intense. Laser-focused. A one-man working-dog unit and the perfect leader of our little pack.

Adam - The Corgi

Short. Loud. Hilarious. And also secretly runs the pack. It’s very Thor and Star-Lord arguing over who’s captain energy between him and Joel. Adam might seem like “just the drummer,” but let’s be honest, he’s steering the ship from behind that kit. And he's entitled to... cause he's also our producer. The Corgi spirit runs deep: small but mighty, full of confidence, and impossible not to laugh at. He’s goofy, quick-witted, and somehow running ten steps ahead while pretending he’s just here for the snacks. You want to tease him a little, but you don’t, because he’s already beat you to it… with better timing.

Courtney – The Poodle

Elegant. Gorgeous. Always on. The Poodle walks into a room like it’s showtime, no matter the venue, no matter the crowd. Courtney has that same sparkle. When the rest of us show up to practice looking like we were hit by a tour bus, she seems to always show up looking like a movie star. She’s also the one who actually practices (like… really practices), and it shows. There’s a ready-to-please energy there, but not in a bad way, in a deeply endearing, “I just want to make it perfect” kind of way. She’s poised and polished. A total show dog, in the best, most sparkly, unstoppable way.

Steve – The Siberian Husky

The show-off. He doesn’t need to practice (and we all kind of hate that he can get away with it). He’s strong-willed, independent, and impossible to train, but when it matters, he’s exceptional. Classic Husky energy. He’s got that hard exterior, the confident stride, and the unbothered look of someone who knows exactly how good he is. But beneath that cool, stoic front? Total big softy. He is deeply loyal to his pack and notices everything. He’s the first to catch when someone’s having an off day, and the first to quietly make sure they’re okay. Fiercely protective, endlessly talented, and occasionally dramatic… he’s the one howling the loudest and feeling the deepest.

Morgan – The English Labrador

I may be slightly biased because I have one…

They’re friendly, loveable and big-hearted. The kind of dog who works hard when it counts, gives everything they’ve got, and then immediately needs a nap and a snack (specifically chocolate chip cookies in my case). Unlike the American Labs who are all go-go-go, the English Labs require a few more breaks. Labs are steady, dependable, and full of warmth. That’s me. I can work when I need to and do exceptionally well, but rest is non-negotiable. I’m loyal to the core, the one who greets everyone with a smile and means every word I sing. The band always says if we were each a body part, I’d be the heart, and honestly, I’ll take it. Every body needs one.

Though, like any good Labrador, I do occasionally need a zap to keep my mind from running away on me. 🤪

There’s one more person working behind the scenes who I can’t possibly write this blog post without including. If anyone keeps this whole circus from falling apart, it’s him.

Now, he doesn't deserve to be lumped in with all the dog haters, but he definitely deserves to be recognized as a member of the band... finally a sane person amongst us... and ladies, you'll be happy to know he's single. 👀

Antenneh – The Border Collie

Friendly, full of energy, and absolutely impossible not to love. The Border Collie is the brainiac of the dog world, a quick learner, hard worker, and somehow great at everything without even trying. That’s Antenneh. He can take on any task, learn it in an instant, and make it look effortless. An unbelievably impressive specimen of a human being, and honestly, the band could not function without him. He’s focused, dependable, and loyal to the bone, but with light-speed intelligence that honestly puts the rest of us to shame. He just gets it. Like, you’ll be halfway through explaining something and he’s already built the system, fixed the glitch, and made a joke about it. The man’s running on a whole different operating system, and I, for one, am grateful he uses his powers for good. 😅

Take that, dog haters!!

By Morgan Groenewald